Pragmatism is a much underrated quality. To get where you want to be you have to be able to say "OK this is the situation, this is where I want to get to and this is what I have to do to get there."
There's always going to be setbacks, things you could maybe have done differently and lots of things that are simply out of your control. Add to that the people who tell you you're crazy, you can't, you shouldn't. Learning when to listen and when to ignore it can be make or break either way round. You can minimise the chances of getting injured but are you going to reach your full potential if you don't push to your limits? You can train for a certain time but if the wind or the waves decide today is not the day there's nothing you can do but grit your teeth and just hope to get round.
The race is not won by crossing the finishing line, it's in overcoming the struggle it takes to get there.
The situation:
The open water swim season is half over.
I'm not entirely convinced I have really done the training I need to.
I'm not really convinced I have the right wetsuit.
Using "really" and "entirely" are "probably" good indicators that this is not the case
Where do I want to get to:
I want to finish and I want to feel comfortable doing it.
I don't want an Olympic qualifying time (OK secretly I do but appreciate I have left it at least 20yrs too late!) but I don't want to be last.
What do I have to do to get there:
If I knew how to answer this I'd be there already!
OK I can't do anything about the limited swim season, the chances of swims being cancelled, the water quality, the size of the waves, the temperature, the weather, the "strong tidal current", the weever fish, the jelly fish, the eels, the "monster carp", the Weils disease, the blue green algae.....
(This is a lot for a self-certified control freak!)
I can step my training up.
I can train smarter.
I can swallow my pride and ask for help.
I can pour a bloody big glass of water because that pride is not going down easily!
I can find a bloody wetsuit that isn't working against me!
I need to win the lottery to afford the Andy Murray style entourage that is clearly going to be needed for me to take up competitive swimming at the positively geriatric age of 34 (..soon to be 35)
First things first I need to step up the training. Not that I have been exactly slacking in this department but the effort it takes to get from zero to race ready in 6mths without breaking something and while trying to hold down a full time job etc etc has its limits. OK so plenty of Olympians manage it, excuse rejected!
My body is 20yrs older than that Chinese girl and is objecting! Yes but that Australian girl is 3yrs older than you and still in the top ten in the world, excuse rejected!
I haven't won the lottery, buy a ticket!
My wetsuit isn't working, find one that is!
Stop talking to yourself......... done!
Two and a half months, one new Aquaskin, one new physio, one personal trainer, a few hundred laps, a couple of hundred bike miles, a lot of weight training, several gallons of Biofreeze, a few "damn it forgot the lottery tickets" & "YES Toblerone IS appropriate carb loading" and a last minute "Where the hell did I leave my lucky swimsuit at the start of taper!!!!!???"s later.......
Time to get on a plane!
Yes a PLANE! .............now that's the way to arrive at a swimming race!
Even better, hire car turns out to be a VW Golf and the hotel room has a third storey view of the sea!
.........and you get the impression things are FINALLY going right!
Time for a serious "Can Do" conversation with myself:
"Possunt quia posse videntur"
Months of training over, kit laid out on the hotel room floor, weather looking good, pre-race routine in place, superstitions taken care of, so why is there a (collective noun for butterflies!?) in my stomach..........?
I'm not great when I have too much time to sit around and think about what's to come, I'm better when I have things to do, a plan to follow, a routine to go through. It's no surprise to me that you see so many Olympic swimmers coming out with their headphones in.
Sitting on the sea wall with the sun shining, looking out across the water I realise quite how much self-doubt I have. It didn't used to be there, it's kind of crept in little by little when I wasn't looking. Maybe I've let other people take what wasn't theirs to take. I've met some amazing people in the last few years but there's always some who project their insecurities onto you, who are threatened by the fact you reach to achieve your dreams while theirs remain wishful thinking. I need to get tougher with these dream stealers and surround myself with more can do people, those who want to be part of my journey and not pull me back down. I'm lucky that I've now found some of these people because believe me they are few and far between.
I know in my head that I have done enough this time round, I have settled the demons that were there a couple of months before and this time it does feel right.
So why the nerves? For me I think it's always fear of the unknown and fear of not meeting other people's expectations. I place the bar high and then worry that I wont get over it. I need to find that determination that is still there somewhere that says I'm going to bloody well pile up whatever it takes to get over that bar. I need to learn to worry less but at the same time the day you stop feeling that fear is the day you've stopped pushing yourself that bit further. Fear is not a bad thing; it's what pushes us not to fail.
The nerves were no better the next morning though. After the wedding disco which finished at midnight I was awake with an adrenalin fuelled knot in my stomach before it got light. At least that put pay to the fear of not waking up and sleeping right through it!
My PT Nathan had frowned and suggested that half a bottle of gin and 4hrs sleep the weekend before when I'd had a final practice in the North sea were "not the best preparation". For once he was wrong! There was no gin this time, just pasta, electrolytes and water like a proper "athlete" but the 4hrs sleep wasn't far off.
Watching them build the scaffold at 7am..........
......while eating bananas, porridge and Toblerone washed down with body volt, powerade and coffee. If I managed to get round without vomming it would be a miracle!
By 8am I had registered and was warming up and going through a stretch routine. I'd been numbered and tagged and given my race cap. What had been a quiet hotel terrace the day before was rapidly filling up with serious triathlete types. I started to question what the hell I was doing in their company and what the hell have I got myself into this time!?
Please God let it fit........
My biggest fear was not finding someone to take pity on me and be my wetsuit buddy, note to self: "next time; when I have won the lottery, this will be the first person to go on the pay roll!"
I was quite thankful that I had a room to get changed in and could avoid the queue of girls waiting for the three toilets. I did contemplate offering one of them my room in return for zipping me in but decide this sounds a bit pervy, and girls can be a bit standoffish at the best of times. I did manage to get nearly completely ready by myself in the calm of my room before returning to the masses. I also decide that the 20mins of hungover practice in the North sea will clearly give me the edge on hearing said girls in the toilet discussing the fact that they have never swum in the sea........ maybe I wont be so bad after all.
8.30am on the beach, suited and booted, no I don't need to "warm up" in that freezing water thank you very much, I'm quite happy standing here gazing out to sea wondering if this is the last time I will stand on dry land...... I'm jolted out of my contemplation when we're funnelled into the starting area, there's some girl in a bikini!(..........seriously I think she's lost), the girl next to me is clearly terrified, it reminds me of that scene in Gladiator where the guy pees himself as they're waiting to go out and be hacked to death. I start mentally preparing myself to stay at the back, walk into the water and swim my own race.........
8.45am the klaxon goes and the calm collected entry goes out the window as adrenaline takes over, someone yanks my ankle, someone swims across me, there's waves in my face and salt in the back of my throat........ note to self: "You have a ventolin inhaler for a reason, next time use it!"
It's like boarding a budget airline when a rumour goes round that there's not enough seats, except this time there's water.
(Thanks Jason Tait!)
.......... I am out there, somewhere!
(again thanks Jason Tait!)
9:11:35 and I did make it back to dry land, I wasn't last and I didn't die....... although not entirely convinced someone behind me who screamed did. Seeing and hearing some people in difficulty and seeing the current and the waves the day before was sobreing and a reminder that it's not for other people who haven't done it to judge you. Swimming half the course against the current with spray in your face and other people swimming over you is not for the faint hearted and it's most certainly not "the pool". The sea is like a mountain; you don't conquer it, at best if it lets you and you respect it, with a certain amount of luck you can achieve what you set out to do and come away in one piece.
.......a hard won piece of metalware
It's not about crossing the line or the time you did it in or where you came on the results list. It's about personal challenge, achieving the goals you set for youself and overcoming the struggle to get where YOU want to be. Here's to the journey..........
You can still sponsor my efforts which are going to Rotary's End Polio Now campaign here.
Oh please God no!!!!!!!!!!!
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